1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:06,300 Do you wish you had better control over your temper? Do the people around you, your spouse, 2 00:00:06,300 --> 00:00:13,100 your friends, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your children, wish you had better control over your temper? 3 00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:20,100 Unfair or excessive anger is a major cause of marital strife, of tensions between parents 4 00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:26,619 and children, and of tensions in work places. Sometimes anger is responsible for more than 5 00:00:26,619 --> 00:00:33,300 just tension. “Road rage,” for example, is implicated in hundreds of deaths and thousands 6 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,140 of accidents each year. 7 00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:42,000 Of course, anger is not always wrong. Sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. 8 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:49,319 There is evil in the world and sometimes in our own lives. If that didn’t make us angry, neither nations 9 00:00:49,319 --> 00:00:55,760 nor individuals would ever oppose it. Think about it for a moment: Would you want to live 10 00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:02,420 in a world where no one except victims felt anger toward terrorists, rapists and murderers? 11 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:08,560 But that's not the sort of anger I am talking about now. I'm talking about day-to-day anger 12 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:14,740 and the role an angry disposition plays in poisoning our daily lives and the lives of 13 00:01:14,750 --> 00:01:21,680 those around us. People with quick tempers sometimes say that they can't control their anger. 14 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:27,400 But that’s not true. People can't always control how they feel, 15 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,920 but they can almost always control how they act. 16 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:36,400 Let me offer an example: Imagine you're walking down the street when suddenly you're confronted 17 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:43,040 by a person with a weapon demanding your money. Clearly, you're furious. But do you shout 18 00:01:43,049 --> 00:01:50,289 at the person? Do you curse him? Very unlikely. You speak in as calm a voice as you can, 19 00:01:50,289 --> 00:01:58,940 probably even in a respectful manner -- if you speak at all! We all know why we would act in such a calm way 20 00:01:58,940 --> 00:02:07,760 -- in order to save our life. Obviously, then, we can control our tempers when we really want to. 21 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:15,020 Now there are whole courses on “anger management” and they undoubtedly have many ideas and suggestions. 22 00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:21,780 But I would like to offer one rule that will enable you to control your anger and almost 23 00:02:21,780 --> 00:02:27,670 guarantee that you will never say something that will lead to an irrevocable break or 24 00:02:27,670 --> 00:02:34,750 a permanent hurt in your relationship with another person: No matter how angry you get, 25 00:02:34,750 --> 00:02:40,890 restrict the expression of your anger to the incident that provoked it. 26 00:02:40,890 --> 00:02:46,200 This means when someone has done something wrong and has hurt you, express anger for 27 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:52,690 what they did – but only concerning that incident . Don't use words like “always,” 28 00:02:52,690 --> 00:02:58,230 or “never.” "You're always inconsiderate," "You never think before you act." 29 00:02:58,230 --> 00:03:04,380 What’s the other person supposed to say? “You're right. I am always inconsiderate.” In addition 30 00:03:04,380 --> 00:03:09,480 to making the other person defensive -- who wouldn't become defensive when accused of 31 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:16,720 always being anything bad -- your statement is untrue. No one is always inconsiderate. 32 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:23,580 No one never thinks before he or she acts. That someone has done something wrong to you 33 00:03:23,590 --> 00:03:27,790 doesn't give you the right to lie to or about them. 34 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:34,320 Also, expressing thoughts like this is destructive in another way. One of the sad and unfair 35 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:40,080 consequences of anger is that people think that what you say when you’re angry is what 36 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:47,250 you really think. Now, it might be. But usually it isn’t what you really think. It’s what 37 00:03:47,250 --> 00:03:53,980 you are thinking at that moment. Who hasn’t had some really angry and unfair thoughts 38 00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:58,820 about their spouse, their child, or about a good friend? No one. 39 00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:04,580 But most of the time we make sure not to express these angry thoughts. Because the moment we 40 00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:12,380 express them, it becomes hard, if not impossible, for the other person to ever forget what you've said. 41 00:04:12,380 --> 00:04:18,780 A medieval philosopher offered wise guidance: “I can take back words I didn't say, 42 00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:26,240 but I can't take back words I did say.” How hard is it to practice this rule? For some, 43 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:32,950 it might be pretty hard. For others less so. But everyone can do it. You have to stay focused, 44 00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:38,720 and you have to exercise self-control. If you have issues with your temper, this might 45 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:45,540 well be a life-transforming suggestion, so let me repeat it one final time. 46 00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:50,540 No matter how angry you get, restrict the expression of your anger 47 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:53,000 to the incident that provoked it. 48 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,640 I’m Joseph Telushkin for Prager University.