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(playful music)

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(soft music)

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- Hello, thanks for
joining the App Corp. team

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and welcome to your new home office.

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As part of our remote hiring initiative,

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we've sent you everything
you need to get to work.

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By now you've received it all by mail.

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Let's do a quick tour.

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Take a seat in your Air 4,000 Office Chair

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with weight sensing seat cushion

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to monitor your work time.

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If you prefer to stand, totally fine,

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just make sure and use your
designated standing mat

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to continue to monitor work time.

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A mandatory company laptop.

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By using this laptop you
agree to have all keystrokes

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registered, timestamped
and reviewed by management.

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And please don't get any
peanut butter on the keys.

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Your laptop comes equipped
with a high definition webcam.

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It can produce an alarm
of up to 95 decibels

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if you turn away from
the screen for too long,

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blinking is also not encouraged.

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Company swag.

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One hoodie and one hat.

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Both of which should be plugged in

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and synced to your computer

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so they can monitor your biorhythms,

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cortisol levels and frequency
of negative thoughts.

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A speaker system will
monitor your conversations

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for trigger words, such as
wages, unionize, and secret.

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If activated this system
will release a foul odor.

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A company toilet seat to
monitor your nutrition

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and build a slide show for
our next corporate retreat.

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A Baby Bluetooth Camera should
be aimed at your children

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at all times, so we can monitor them

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and track their development
for future work opportunities

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or remove them if they're a distraction.

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Congratulations,

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you are all set up and
ready to get to work.

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If you have any questions,
I'll be right here,

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all day, every day,

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I'm here and I don't blink.